you need to go home…you sit in that chair night after night, but you need to go home.

i dont mean to be impolite or inconsiderate, but…

home is where your life is…home is where your fiancee is…you can do nothing for me now or ever…you just need to go HOME.

i dont want to hear how she is off…i should not hear about her quirks…wedding plans, i’m sure, alter the most even of tempers…marrying a doctor must be so stressful…so much to think of, be and do

dont you see? i hear when you lie to her…i know when you are ignoring her.

i dont want to be your distraction. PLEASE!!! I HAVE BEEN THE GIRL ON THE SIDE BEFORE…IT’S THE ONLY THING I HAVE HAD!!! AND IT IS A ROLE I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE…BUT LEAST OF ALL WITH YOU!

go home…i cant deal with this on top of the day…you are contributing to my tears…you are not alone…but THIS…THIS HERE…it is not who i want to be anymore. THIS is filthy and used. THIS is meaningless and nothing. THIS is useless!!!

i cant deal with your lying to her on top of everything else…please go home!!

i have asked…and still you remain…like my words dont quite reach your ears or somehow are invalid.  just as the whoever that looks in on my pictures does not hear my pleas…does not care to hear?

why did they do that…was it him? no it wouldnt be him…he has no interest…

would he even realize how painful it was to remove? no, i dont suppose… me foolishly trying to preserve pieces of a mirage only i saw…i

he told me to delete and knows that i will do anything he commands…because it is him

cant go back there now…to finish what is yet undone. i keep saying i know i need to delete…but …no one seems to understand how painful NEVER AGAIN is

but what if it was him. checking up to see that i removed all evidence? what if it was him making sure i deleted all things that i had no right to

who was it…do they stalk my stuff to hurt and humilate? who gave them access to Lilly? i need to protect Lilly…that site…those albums were private and password protected. only one other person had the link…and yet? someone is looking in…

(why does my heart flutter still when i think of him? why is it difficult to catch my breath and i tremble and blush when i think his name…still…still…i am unwanted and awful… it is just a cruel practice…wanting him…loving him…dreaming of him…why…i dont understand why!)

not me…people do what they want with me… i dont actually matter…but the children…the children come first…they have access to the children…they shouldnt be able to look in on the children!

my Lilly…

no…all that doesnt matter…my hurt…whoever is watching and peering…using

Lilly…

the agency came by again today.

no get it right. they sent me another one of Lilly’s crayon drawings…called it her valentine…so i called

three times i called before i got through.

and i heard Lilly’s voice…pleading over and over…of what i could make out between congestion-crackled voice and raspy-whining cries and tearful coughs “Mamma come…no ne…Lil-me Da-ee…come…no ne”…did she repeat that phrase 4 times or more? idk…it seemed endless.

and i should have been there cradling her…i should have been bathing her in a tepid bath to help ease the congestion and ear infection…i could hear the pain and loneliness in her voice!

and where was i? some mother!!

and THEN the agency rep came…said they needed to explain the alternatives again…

that she would be in a two parent household. that i would be doing the best thing for Lilly if i relinquished my rights (“You do want to do what is best for your daughter, right?” …saying it as if my actions or inactions are causing her harm. “Just think, you could start fresh; start free as if nothing had happened!”)

delete…that is why he wants everything gone to…free…everyone i love free of me!

no…you need to go home…you sit there THINKING you understand and you care…that you are supporting me like no one i have ever known.

you are wrong!

i cant give you what you want and any feeling you think you’re developing for me is no more the idle curiosity and pity. an infatuation, like all the others based on nothing.

i have been there before

i cant give you what you want…incase you cant see the constant recoil every time you come near me.

it is not just you…i am like this with EVERY man…it got to the point where Bryan knew he could not be within 6 ft of me without sending me into panic. i cant even do malls…what other female do you know who cant do kmart or malls.

that sense you have that you can be different…that you can save me?

let me assure you, you are very wrong!

clear your eyes and look again…i am nothing to no one

go home! i cant even comfort my daughter…they say she’ll be better off without me.

that seems to be the common conclusion.

people need to be taken from me…people need to be kept from me…people need to leave me…people and memories…stripped away…always

open your eyes and look around…it doesnt take much to see the cause of my tears

and it’s something YOU cant fix

why is it so bad for me to want someone in my life? why is it so bad for me to want to be with my daughter again!!! i want Lilly…cant i have Lilly???? please???

they’re yelling at me for crying again now…their taking this away again and fretting over my eye and heart again…

there is little i can do right…there is little i can do