it’s May 23rd, 2010…4 yrs, 3 mos, and a few scant hours from that morning when i first received a message from the man i would love forever…i would like to go back there…voiceless and banged up with a shaved head and scared of all movement…i want to go back there please! back to his lovely lil notes that became so addicting


it is a very long drive up there…by the time he arrived last night he could barely stand much less drive for hours up to the adirondacks…and it wasnt just an excuse…i really dont know if my night vision is good enough yet.

they still havent cleared me to drive during the day and he, of all people, knows that.

all that […] has ever told me of that area…all that […] promised me was there was such sublime beauty…seclusion and peace and above all else…a breathtaking beauty […] said i’d never forget. he’d send me pics and tell me stories…and tell me of the places he’d take me that wouldnt require me to hike as far but could easily view the gorgeous endless vantage…but […] also warned me that there were no signals… seemingly endless areas of beauty and seclusion and views to die for

(but do you want to be secluded and out of reach of all humanity with just anyone…and for days…without the ability to check-in or call for help…if you should need it?)

ok…so, yeah…who would i call, right? who would come if i needed? kinda figured that one out a while back…so we stopped telling…stopped trying…stopped letting people close…so yeah…he’s right…who would i need to contact?

just me being overly nervous…i’ve seen drunk guys before…i’ve been done by drunk guys before. angry drunk guys…who show their frustration with their strength and unwanted forecefulness

who would i message? 


i left one…i must confess…i do it all the time

lil notes for his pockets…though he is gone

it’s a message in a bottle just like that Police song…just like the notes Grandma left Grandpa. she’d leave notes…and he’d bring her pics of his travels (it was how they knew that their thoughts were never far from each other)

they were/are inappropriate maybe…but i leave […] notes here and there…if he ever thought of me…he’d know why

he’d know why

they’re not meant for other’s eyes

DS…whoever that is…couldnt have known they’re there…i password protect just as […] asked (well when he wasnt asking me to delete)


Dan? you used to be indifferently amused by me. that last message…the one you sent Thurs or Fri, seems so different from the easy-going ones you used to send me on Bonxo, Myspace and email. you always seemed so cordial then and sometimes you even seemed genuinely interested in my thoughts until the moment i mentioned my deep affection for your friend

then you laughed…and made jokes of me

made me feel one of the masses maybe…

and though the sincere conversations we seemed to have died off and were replaced with poking fun and a bit of mocking

still…i would take the mocking over the current messages. the recent series of messages seem uncharacteristically spiteful and threatening

i leave […] notes sometimes. he doesnt read them. he doesnt look back. there is nothing he ever wanted here.

we tried to leave too…Lilly and i…no car…bought a tent, sleeping bag, hiking boots, flashlight and maps…and we found places to be…here and there

we were learning…

but it got terribly cold…and i’m not good at fires (was never a girl scout like that)

Lilly got sick…very sick…and i didnt have anyone to call…so we came back here to her dr…because she was born with a heart thing (VSD)…she was born to quick and got a hole in her heart.

[…] would angrily tell me there are drs everywhere. i panicked. i always panic

see…i trusted someone

no…not what you think…

there was money in that account and then it started disappearing

but he’s all there is…and i’m going up to the adirondacks…we are…Lilly and i

to a place with no signal…for a few days

people want me to forget […] so i’m trying to fill the empty spaces

and it doesnt feel right! (he has a fiancee…i’m just a girl on the side again)

but i dont think anything will ever again