moved the post b/c it didnt belong on that page. no matter how inappropriate those fantasies are…they are true and intimate (about as close as i will ever get to having the most wonderful man ever created…no matter what…he is good and kind and always far more than i ever deserved for the moments pleasure he gave)

who was it? it wouldnt have been him…so who was it? Dan again, making certain i was following orders?

it was password protected…stupidly password protected under the password only he knew…but still password protected.

did he give those out too?

i usually hide them. make private so no one can see. i am well aware Dan how unfortunate and upsetting the fact that i still think of him…wish for him…wish for him deeply at times…i know how gross and creepy that is…i do! the fact that i still do bothers me greatly too. that i still have feelings and still want is a nauseating thought.

he never understood how i could still care either, how i could love my mother after all that she had done. loving him still is no different.

i do know it is unacceptable. i do know it is creepy and disgusting…

someone like me…yes! i know what i am…i know what i look like…completely awful

i know.

i slipped. i didnt use his name though, but i slipped. i usually set the middle of the night wishes to private. i thought i had on this one as well. worked so many hours…was so very tired but my mind kept racing with incurable thoughts of him.

i can sit up nights spinning on thoughts of him. toggling and spinning and wishing endlessly until dawn. i write them down and purge them for some peace. it is like my soul needs evidence of it all somewhere

he did exists Dan. he did say he loved me Dan. he did.

and though it may have never been true…a means to an end but the words themselves were never true…he said them. someone as glorious as him said those words to me. once in my life i was loved…i wasnt alone…and i believed

Dan accessed? Dan didnt access? it was someone else entirely? it was him?

i’m sorry.

repulsive. inappropriate. (i am and have never been something to smile about or want to kiss…not really…it has been made clear enough)

i’m sorry.