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even in times i thought were good

there’d be anger and frustration

because i wasnt invited for the conversation

just for the entertainment

yes, my prideful arrogance surprises even me…i’m sry

i’m sry DS-Dan…

it was a test and i failed as you can see

hope you had a good laugh

i’m sry

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give up! it’s password protected.

stop clicking…it’s entirely possible that the reason you can’t access what is hidden behind the proctected prompt is because the password itself held NO meaning for you.

that is not a tease or a taunt…it is just a simple reminder that perhaps you have no right of entry. (next to no one does)

passwords and what they conceal are very personal things.

i’ve forgotten more random passwords than i remember…that is why i chose things of importance…

but when even i forget how to access…i have the good sense to walk away…

how bout you do the same…the fact that you didn’t know the password is a sign…

it is not among your ‘divine rights’ to trespass here

Ben (and Xiang) surprised me with a serenade this morning. wishing i had a camera to capture and post the actual as it was very sweet indeed…Ben brought in his guitar and began singing the following song.

it was good to see that he has a backup talent incase this whole resident to dr thingy doesnt pan out. (though i would recommend that Xiang, who sang backup, keeps his day job!) lol

it was not my first surprise of the day (well…no…maybe? i dont know…i had already been told about the pregnancy long ago so i guess that much was not a surprise…or at least, wasnt surprised by the likelihood of the pregnancy… and in Dec… it was pretty certain that there was a determination for that to happen somehow…and besides…i had also been alerted that he wanted children with […] the choice was obviously mine: either she was lying to me when it was first mentioned or he was lying to me. so i suppose “surprise” would definitely not be the category.)

what was suprising was his grandfather’s ill-health. the many stories and descriptions of the man forged his image as this pillar of rock…a man who thrived in remaining independent and active (and withered only in the suggestion that he was possibly too old or too frail to do things on his own..a notion that Aslan wisely understood, respected and made certain he honored).

a man’s only value is when he can be of use to himself and the benefit of others.

oh yeah…and i was surprised by the request to forgive him. he should have always known that there was nothing for me to forgive. hoping for forgiveness from someone like me assumes i had a stake in something that was betrayed. i did not. my position has not changed…i was always just as i am (the girl on the side). i am not, nor have i ever been the one they love or the one they keep. pfft!

just lies and lines people feed themselves to negotiate the play of the moment…all just part of the game, right? i know…i have been alerted to that one too…

i had tried to tell him time and time again…

i am NOT that magic pill that would make him suddenly faithful, quit smoking, and cut back on drinking and spending. i wasnt even special enough to have him pursue legal issues. i’m pretty much nothing and the only person who is truly in need of forgiveness for all the trespasses is me. (the Lord is seeing fit to take care punishing me for my […], i’m certain…and i am certain he will continue to do so in such a manner that will far exceed anything anyone has already inflicted)

still and all…i liked the honesty and the serenades (though i could have done without the Jack Johnson series).

not sure where to next…though once again, i seem to have lost some things along the way again. alone isnt so bad, i suppose

i need to turn this in now and prepare myself to being without

my lil sunshine


Prayer For Courage

Dear God, give me courage,
for perhaps I lack it more than anything else.

I need courage before men against their threats
and against their seductions.

I need courage to bear unkindness, mockery, contradiction.

I need courage to fight against the devil, against terrors and troubles, temptations, attractions, darkness and false lights, against tears, depression, and above all fear.

I need Your help, dear God.

Strengthen me with Your love and Your grace.

Console me with Your blessed Presence and grant me the courage to persevere until I am with You forever in heaven.

daisies

October 2017
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the story

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines
and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks

You do...I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends
who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do

And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean a-thing
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

now i lay me down to sleep


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tiny china doll

break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god
That I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man
That's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake,
She's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed
to do when the best part of me
was always you
What am I supposed to say
when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do
when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say
when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

One still in love
while the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces,
Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even
You got his heart and my heart
and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense
of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love,
with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god
that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do
when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say
when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
One still in love
while the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces,
Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

i dont know why…

they peek?

and they chew?

and spit out all they see...

a bitter taste?

and still they come?

both here and there?

though i dont know how...

because the links have been removed!!

and worse yet

(more frightening)

do they wish to cause me harm or greater pain?

i dont know why...

do you??!!

but the numbers keep growing...

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hmm…

i will forever miss his thoughts in my head