Ben (and Xiang) surprised me with a serenade this morning. wishing i had a camera to capture and post the actual as it was very sweet indeed…Ben brought in his guitar and began singing the following song.

it was good to see that he has a backup talent incase this whole resident to dr thingy doesnt pan out. (though i would recommend that Xiang, who sang backup, keeps his day job!) lol

it was not my first surprise of the day (well…no…maybe? i dont know…i had already been told about the pregnancy long ago so i guess that much was not a surprise…or at least, wasnt surprised by the likelihood of the pregnancy… and in Dec… it was pretty certain that there was a determination for that to happen somehow…and besides…i had also been alerted that he wanted children with […] the choice was obviously mine: either she was lying to me when it was first mentioned or he was lying to me. so i suppose “surprise” would definitely not be the category.)

what was suprising was his grandfather’s ill-health. the many stories and descriptions of the man forged his image as this pillar of rock…a man who thrived in remaining independent and active (and withered only in the suggestion that he was possibly too old or too frail to do things on his own..a notion that Aslan wisely understood, respected and made certain he honored).

a man’s only value is when he can be of use to himself and the benefit of others.

oh yeah…and i was surprised by the request to forgive him. he should have always known that there was nothing for me to forgive. hoping for forgiveness from someone like me assumes i had a stake in something that was betrayed. i did not. my position has not changed…i was always just as i am (the girl on the side). i am not, nor have i ever been the one they love or the one they keep. pfft!

just lies and lines people feed themselves to negotiate the play of the moment…all just part of the game, right? i know…i have been alerted to that one too…

i had tried to tell him time and time again…

i am NOT that magic pill that would make him suddenly faithful, quit smoking, and cut back on drinking and spending. i wasnt even special enough to have him pursue legal issues. i’m pretty much nothing and the only person who is truly in need of forgiveness for all the trespasses is me. (the Lord is seeing fit to take care punishing me for my […], i’m certain…and i am certain he will continue to do so in such a manner that will far exceed anything anyone has already inflicted)

still and all…i liked the honesty and the serenades (though i could have done without the Jack Johnson series).

not sure where to next…though once again, i seem to have lost some things along the way again. alone isnt so bad, i suppose

i need to turn this in now and prepare myself to being without